when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize