He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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