I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
