I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
