I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
