I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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