I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
