I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im six kinds of drunk right now
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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