i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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