Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
