That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
