i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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