she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
