I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
