Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
