Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
