my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
