update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
