If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
