All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
