I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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