Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
