My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
