Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
