I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
