this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
