This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
