I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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