So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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