I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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