I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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