dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
