So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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