He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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