your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
