i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Walk of Shame today included voting.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
