the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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