sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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