Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize