I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize