Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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