We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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