Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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