If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
