So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
