Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
