we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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