why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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