Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
