if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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