this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
