They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
