Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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