woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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