what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
birth control should be required to get into college
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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