he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
