franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
